Polishing Exercise Part 2

Last time I posted a short scene and suggested you polish it. First, here's the original scene with my notes on what's wrong with it (and again, please forgive the inability to mimic true screenplay format in the blog):

INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT

The apartment is spacious and well appointed. A couch, love seat and recliner are arranged in a conversation area by a gas fireplace, above which a plasma TV is mounted. Modern art hangs on the walls and a piece of abstract sculpture sits on a coffee table surrounded by architectural magazines. Big picture windows look out over the New Orleans skyline. A table surrounded by four chairs is set for a fancy dinner, complete with tablecloth and two candles. A bottle of champagne rests in an ice bucket.

(Too much description. We can simplify this a lot. I’d pick out the modern art and the architectural magazines as the best details to use. And we probably want to say something about the table being ready for a date.)

The sound of food preparation comes from the kitchen. It stops when there’s a KNOCK at the door.

KEVIN enters, wiping his hands on a plain green apron. He is about 30 and dressed with casual style in khakis and an oxford shirt. His shoes and watch are expensive, signaling his good taste. Yet a certain ruggedness is apparent under the well scrubbed surface.

Kevin goes to the door and opens it. (We don’t need to say he goes to the door to open it.) On the other side is MARIA. She is also about 30, pretty and dressed to impress in a black cocktail dress, high heels, and a demure gold necklace. Her make-up has been applied with care and her hair is swept up to show off her swan like neck.

(More description than is needed for both of them. I’ll pick a couple of representative details to describe.)

KEVIN
Good evening.

MARIA
Hello.

KEVIN
Come in.

MARIA
Thank you.

(Four lines of dialogue that tell us absolutely nothing.)

Maria enters and looks around.

MARIA
Mm, smells delicious.

KEVIN
I think you'll like it. Have a seat. Would you like some champagne?

MARIA
Sure.

She goes to the table and sits. Kevin gets the champagne out of the ice bucket and pours each of them a glass.

(Question: What do we get out of showing Maria’s arrival? Let’s just start with him pouring the champagne.)

MARIA
Champagne. Fancy.

KEVIN
Well, this is our third date after all. I’m glad Mona introduced us.

MARIA
Yeah. How did you know her again?

KEVIN
We met in college.

(The exposition feels clunky. I can get the needed info out in a more elegant fashion.)

He puts the champagne back in the ice bucket.

(Don’t need this line.)

MARIA
(nervously) (Don’t need this parenthetical. The tone is obvious.)
About that. It’s very nice of you to cook for me, and I know what people say.

KEVIN
About what?

(We could cut this line out and still get the meaning, but I like breaking up Maria’s line to show she’s uncomfortable. You don’t want to lose the subtext as you trim your scene!)

She looks down, embarrassed. (Don’t need this. Let the actors do the acting.)

MARIA
Third dates. But I’d like to take this slow.

KEVIN
Have I done something to give you a bad impression of me?

MARIA
(quickly) (Don’t need this parenthetical.)
No, no. Of course not.

KEVIN
Because I wouldn’t want you to think I was trying to take advantage of you.

MARIA
I don’t think that. I’m just trying to... (beat) manage expectations.

Kevin looks hurt. (We get this from his dialogue.)

KEVIN
Maria, I wanted to cook for you because, if I may be a bit immodest, I’m a very good cook and I’m trying to impress you. That’s my only agenda for this evening.

Maria smiles, relieved. (We get this from her dialogue. These kinds of action lines just slow down the scene.)

MARIA
You don’t have to try to impress me.

Kevin holds up his glass.

KEVIN
Okay. Let’s make a toast. To an evening of no pressure on either one of us.

(The toast sentence is unnecessary.)

They clink glasses and drink.

KEVIN
I better check on the chicken.

Kevin stands up and starts for the kitchen. (We can cut stands up.)

Maria looks sick.

MARIA
Oh…

Kevin turns back. (Don't need.)

KEVIN
(concerned) (Don’t need this parenthetical. The tone is obvious.)
Is something wrong?

MARIA
Where's your bathroom?

KEVIN
Down the hall.

(This whole exchange could be trimmed.)

He points the way. Maria stands up and starts to head for the bathroom. She stumbles and catches herself on the couch. Kevin rushes to her aid.

(This action is overwritten.)

KEVIN
Whoa, maybe you better sit down.

He eases her down onto the couch. She mumbles something inaudible as her eyes close.

KEVIN
Maria?

She doesn’t respond. Kevin flips open his cell phone and dials a number.

KEVIN
(into phone)
She’s out. You have about five hours.

He closes the phone, stands up, smiles with satisfaction, and heads back into the kitchen.

(More overwritten action.)

Now, here's the scene as it would appear edited based on my notes:

INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT

The apartment is spacious and well appointed. Modern art hangs on the walls and a piece of abstract sculpture sits on a coffee table surrounded by architectural magazines.

KEVIN and MARIA sit at the dining table which is set for a fancy dinner.

Kevin is about 30 and dressed with casual style. His shoes and watch are expensive, signaling his good taste. Yet a certain ruggedness is apparent under the well scrubbed surface.

Maria is also about 30, pretty and dressed to impress in a black cocktail dress.

MARIA
Mona will be happy to hear things are going well between us.

KEVIN
She did a good job this time. You should have seen some of the women she set me up with back in college.

Kevin pours them each a glass of champagne.

MARIA
Champagne. Fancy.

KEVIN
Well, this is our third date after all.

MARIA
About that. It’s very nice of you to cook for me, and I know what people say.

KEVIN
About what?

MARIA
Third dates. But I’d like to take this slow.

KEVIN
Have I done something to give you a bad impression of me?

MARIA
No, no. Of course not.

KEVIN
Because I wouldn’t want you to think I was trying to take advantage of you.

MARIA
I don’t think that. I’m just trying to... (beat) manage expectations.

KEVIN
Maria, I wanted to cook for you because, if I may be a bit immodest, I’m a very good cook and I’m trying to impress you. That’s my only agenda for this evening.

MARIA
You don’t have to try to impress me.

Kevin holds up his glass.

KEVIN
Okay. To an evening of no pressure on either one of us.

They clink glasses and drink.

KEVIN
I better check on the chicken.

Kevin starts for the kitchen.

MARIA
Oh...I don't feel so good...

Maria suddenly looks sick. She dashes for the bathroom but stumbles and catches herself on the couch. Kevin rushes to her aid.

KEVIN
Whoa, maybe you better sit down.

He eases her down onto the couch. She mumbles something inaudible as her eyes close.

KEVIN
Maria?

She doesn’t respond. Kevin flips open his cell phone and dials a number.

KEVIN
(into phone)
She’s out. You have about five hours.

He closes the phone and heads back into the kitchen.